tantrums and trauma

lets talk about tantrums with kids who have experienced trauma.

some have a history of neglect or have spent time in a overcrowded shelter or foster home where they learned they needed to make a big scene in order to get any attention at all.

or most of the time they just never had anyone teach them how to regulate their own emotions so they lose complete control when they become upset.

it looks sort of like this... your kid is scared or stressed so they react in a full blown panic... screaming, yelling, biting, hitting, kicking, and breaking objects....

they don't need punishment or isolation, they need someone to help them regulate.

how do you manage a tantrum while keeping yourself, others, and the child safe?

step 1: (most important) KEEP YOURSELF CALM. this is no doubt the hardest. take deep breaths, walk away.... do what you have to do to keep from reacting to the behavior.

step 2: use as few words as possible. "i can see your upset, my job is to keep you safe" or "looks like you need help being a boss of your body" or "looks like you need time to calm down"

step 3: create safety. clear the area of other kids, toys that can be thrown, etc.

step 4: create structure. maybe its a pile of pillows, a blanket to hide under or sit on, a bed, or the rug in your living room... if it is a defined space it will work for a calm down spot. give them space to chill. due to fears of abandonment most traumatized kids need to be in the same room as their caregiver. they also may need a stuffed toy to hold on to.

step 5: put them on an imaginary island. your time out pillow or rug is now an island very far away. i know you want to rationalize and talk about what they did or why they are upset - DONT. you don't hear them, you don't talk to them... until they are calm. for some kids silence is scary... hum... tell someone else in the room in a soft, calm voice how sorry you are that they felt so stressed.

step 6: (after they are calm) repair. let them make it better. did they throw magazines all over the room? let them pick them up. did they kick you in the gut? let them give you a hug (don't force this). don't demand an apology... let them engage in an 'apology task'. teach them without words that even if they engage in negative behavior, they are still worthy of love and you want to repair the relationship.